Since it is still summer and the only thing we have to look forward to is the annual "opening up of the fantasy leegs" in the next couple of weeks, Boomer and I felt it was a good time to kick back and reminisce about what makes a good coach. And let me tell ya, it ain't just their penchant for always smelling like rink!
Enjoy...
A Hockey Coach:
-Coach should wear plaid jackets and lock his ass in his office at the rink for all but 4 hours a day, the rest of the time he should be yelling. CONSTANTLY yelling.
-His wife should be a ball of stress, forever wearing a halo from handling the kids all by herself, and, of course, possess a wicked left hook.
-Coach should only be known as Coach, even by his kids-Coach should have a clipboard sticking out of his pants at all times, not just in order to keep track of the clipboard but also for back support.
-Coach should have at least 19 coffee cups strewn across his desk, all with varying levels of liquid.
-Coach should have to replace the strap for his whistle at least once during the season because he keeps ripping it from his neck.
-Coach's skates should be the ones he wore when he last played, even though they no longer can find the ore that makes up the precious metal in the blades.
-Coach should have a lopsided haircut, because he can't sit in the barber's chair long enough to get an even trim, OR he is too busy turning his head and looking out the window for the next prospect to walk by, OR eyeing up the kid sweeping up hair. Checking for quick and soft hands.
-Coach should NEVER have naturally colored hair. It should be either grey and falling out, or shoe polish black...and falling out.
-Coach should know the exact temperature the water in the bucket needs to be that corresponds to the color and shape of the bruise on the player's ankle.
-Coach should smoke at least a pack a day. He HAS TO because your stupid ass can't backcheck!
-Coach should know the names of all the bartenders near the rink, so that when they call to tell him "you know who just showed up" he can then locate the bar, go to the bar, down the player's whiskey, then haul him by the collar back to the rink where he will take shots at the kid.
-Coach shouldn't see his players more than 10 minutes before a game and his player's should know the sound he makes when he comes through the door (it is the sound of a leather shoe kicking galvanized metal in the key of B-minor).
-Coach needs to smell like English Leather or Canoe. At all times.
-When the team DOES (and they WILL GODDAMMIT!!!) win the championship, toasting champagne to Coach should feel awkward because you don't know whether or not he even likes the bubbly.
-Meeting Coach's wife should make you more nervous than introducing your girlfriend to your own parents.
-Coach will sometimes make the team sprint for a whole practice because he had issues with "the wife" the night before.
-Forgetting what language Coach speaks at some point during the season should not be unexpected, followed by Coach questioning whether or not you understand this language.
-Repeatedly, you son of a bitch!
-Coach should have heart medicine he never takes, or takes in handfuls to "catch up", and these are taken during penalty kills and the last two minutes of each period.
- -And finally Coach CAN scale the glass behind the bench in under 4 seconds, because NOTHING is stopping him from putting another dent in Scotty Bowman's steel plate!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Friday, August 10, 2007
The grass is always greedier
Kicksave: JOE SAKIC ladies and gentlemen!
Boomstick!: yes, what is it about Burnaby Joe?
Kicksave: Shall I point out that he is only the second person his age to go for 100 points in a season. The first being Mr. Hockey, Gordie Howe.
Boomstick!: How tremendous, he was able to hold it together through that miserable season long enough to miss the playoffs by one game
Kicksave: *Ahem* On the heels of our "thriilling installment" last week on steroids, I felt it was important that we discuss something that is an interesting subject in the world of hockey, and one that is more than a sore issue for many a GM: offer sheets and how Joe Sakic “ruined” hockey.
And who in the world of Boomstick! over there is more of a symbol of hockey player greed than, you guessed it…
Boomstick!: Yes, Mr. Joe-ina Sakic entered into a world of covetry and greed when he opened the door for an offer sheet from the Rangers in 1997 (the Summer following their first successful Cup run)
Kicksave: Mmhmm...continue.
Boomstick!: Which led to the Avalanche matching to retain their loyal, humble, of-the-citizenry captain in their ranks by giving him a whopping (at the time and now, ten years later) $7 Million a year
Kicksave: Highway robbery! 7 million. To match the Rangers offer...to keep around one of the great captains of all time. 7 million dollars! I was...annoyed? Help me here, I'm looking for a word that can better describe how much attention I paid to that subject..
Boomstick!: yes, $7 MIllion dollars. He desperately needed it. Have you seen the teeth of the Sakic clan? They don't need orthodonture, they need a UN Commission!!!
Kicksave: Look. Canadian kids need dental work just like every other kid.
My thing is that teams that care should pay to retain their stars...and offer sheets provide that option. I think if you want to blame anyone, blame the Rangers.
Boomstick!: Hockey was supposed to have a leg up on all the other sports. Our boys' decisions weren't supposed to be dictated by greed and the dollar, but instead loyalty, teamanship, and heart.
Kicksave: teamanship?
Boomstick!: Focus. Nobody better epitomized this than Mr. Joseph Sakic, formerly of the Quebec Nordiques who became the Stanley Cup Champion Colorado Avalanche of 1996
Kicksave: My head...it hurts...
Boomstick!: Oh i DO blame the Rangers. I blame Neil Smith. But i also blame Joe-ina.
Kicksave: If you were offered that much money, you are willing to tell me that you and people around you, in Joe's case, his family, wouldn't push you to:
1. Take the money
2. Go live in New York as the toast of the Rangers
3. Still keep a house in Colorado
If I'm Joe Sakic, and I'm strolling around with the Conn Smythe, I sign that offer sheet.
Boomstick!: Thank god you're not Joe Sakic, otherwise there might be someone with a sense of leadership and vocal chords in the locker room...
wait a minute, back on track. I would hope my family would not push me to sign this sheet because:
1. I just won the Stanley Cup (fuck the Conn Smythe) with my team, JUST WON IT. And they would understand the hallowed feelings I have developed with this crew, allowing me to experience the only dream (not of course articulated) that i've ever, ever, ever had
2. So i could continue to smile awkwardly with the Cup while having the most generous parties with my gracious and friendly Colorado neighbors
3. They realize that the $5.4 Million dollars i was making last year was more than the GDP of Burma, Mali, Mozambique, Guyana and Rhode Island combined. Why would we need more money?
4. They would know not to push me to a point where I might have to "use my words" and scream: LEAVE ME ALONE SO I CAN ENJOY THE SPLENDOR THAT IS THE SUMMER AS A CUP CHAMPION, UH, PLEASE!
Kicksave: Joe Sakic. I've just finished having sex with my wife on the Stanley Cup. All my dreams have come true. I am captain of the Cup champs and was awarded as the best player in the playoffs on a team that has been relocated to...as far as we can tell, a ski resort that once had a team that was coached by Don Cherry of all people! Now the New York motherfuckin Rangers come along and all of a sudden I'm looking at not only a huge salary but a lot more in endorsements once I hit the Apple. Honey, load up the Pacer!
Boomstick!: and how is this not exceedingly greedy?
Kicksave: Oh and don't forget, Avs. I've made you a lot of money. I'll um...stick around if you were to say, match the offer. I don't think greed is necessarily THE factor in that kind of decision. At that point Joe has no idea if things are going to get better than that.
Boomstick!: you have never addressed the fact that greed certainly plays a factor in this decision. NEVER. And that is enough, for me. I lose all respect for him when i realize he's as bad as Shaq and Ricky Martin.
Kicksave: Shaq's good. One of the greats. Ricky Martin...not so great. I 'd venture to say that he may actually suck.
Boomstick!: "Shaq...one of the greats" I think this disqualifies you on ever making any comments regarding the game of basketball or any game for that matter that involves a ball that is orange colored
Kicksave: Are you serious? What do you know for a guy who never watches basketball?
Boomstick!: Instead of taking that bait...i'll turn it back to the point you still haven't in 6 YEARS OF ARGUING THIS ever addressed. Sakic's greed. He was greedy, for whatever reasons you offer, greed played a part. And that tarnished him in my eyes.
Kicksave: Was it Sakic's greed...or his agents? You forget that there are always middlemen who want theirs...Sakic got paid...one way or another
Boomstick!: wow, soooo delusional. You don't even want to admit today that Joe-ina was ever driven by greed. Accepting an offer sheet from the pig-whores of the NHL is in fact an act of greed, especially considering he has just won the Cup. Every time i look at him, i remember that offer sheet. Greedy motherfucker.
Same goes for Adam Foote.
Kicksave: Mmmm...I'd take 7 mil. What did Chris Chelios sign for in Detroit by the way?
Boomstick!: Chris Chelios never quite made it to Detroit. Very tragic, that whole thing. The wreckage. the flames. The children screaming. Oh...the children screaming.
Kicksave: He...played....was on a Cup team...
Boomstick!: (notice how i have to invent lies so that i don't look at a childhood idol as the greedy dickhead he is instead of completely denying the truth)
Kicksave: Yeah it's sick. You are lucky that it is funny. I think if I'm Joe Sakic, there is no shame at that point in signing an offer sheet. Should I list salaries in other sports at that time?
Boomstick!: no, just list them in the sport he purported to play humbly and gratefully each and every day
Kicksave: *this is me rubbing my forehead* Has he signed offer sheets since then? Has he threatened to leave the Avs? Has he done anything other than lead that team, and along the way achieve nearly every accomplishment that a player could attain? The way you describe it is as if you feel he cheated you in some way. Show me on the doll where Joe Sakic touched you, Boomer.
Boomstick!: he did cheat me. I got to experience my own dream. My own National Hockey League team, a hometown team. Their meteoric climb to glory, the fulfillment of every idiom and practice that was drilled into me as a hockey player, to see our Captain lift the Cup first, and to think for a moment that all of the cynicism about professional athletes somehow didn't fit our boys. It doesn’t matter what he's done since. That's not what i'm lamenting, what i'm lamenting is that he had the opportunity to NOT BE A GREEDY SON-OF-A-BITCH in his entire career, and he failed.
Kicksave: Okay...so you think that hockey players should go back to working in factories and mills, or tilling the earth as the Carter Family provides the soundtrack to their humble lives only to return to the sepia toned, lithographic sheets of ice and mist in the fall to battle with the forces of evil?
Boomstick!: Nah, not anymore. Sakic changed my view of hockey players. They are greedy. They succumb to the same forces the other blowhardy athletes do in other sports. Sakic changed my entire outlook on the sport and it's professional representatives. He's greedy. They're all greedy. That's why i wasn't surprised when they sat out an entire season. Greedy jerks who think of only their closest and most selfish of interests.
Kicksave: The owners locked them out.
Boomstick!: riiiiiiight, the owners who were complaining about salaries and ticket prices. Yet, salaries and ticket prices have done - wait a second, is there something wrong with my calculator? - nothing but go up
Kicksave: Players like Sakic went, sure for 7+ million dollars...he was worth it in my opinion. The Rangers threw down an offer sheet because they felt in order for them to compete that they would need to have the best talent. Of course this philosophy led to Bobby Holik pulling down more than 8 mil a year, but the point is that the water level in the pool went up and Sakic took advantage.
Boomstick!: Yes, Sakic was greedy.
Kicksave: I'm not saying the man was poor.
Boomstick!: Repeat after me, Kicksave: Sakic was greedy. it's okay, you can feel again. Just admit this, and all the scary monsters will go away.
Kicksave: Sakic simply responded to the market. Say you are a great manager at you job. Everyone loves you and the office is highly productive and successful.Then one day another company comes along and offers more money.
Boomstick!: Stunning. Had the ability to admit that Joe-ina was greedy, and even today - EVEN 6 YEARS LATER, FOLKS! - Kicksave cannot admit that his brave and venerably overachieving captain was greedy
greedy
greedy
greedy
greedy
greedy
Kicksave: I think if I'm in that position, and I'm 27-28 years old, I'm at the top of my game and the City of New York walks up to me with a huge contract, I turn "greedy" really quick.
Boomstick!: what? Is that an admission? I can't believe it! Folks, you are witnessing a monumental achievement. Not even Arnold Schwarzenegger at a NOW rally would surprise me more than this. Kicksave actually admits that Joe Sakic was greedy. I'm stunned. I have to sorta absorb this...
Kicksave: Since 1997 Joe Sakic has gone on become a great member of the Denver community, he's won Olympic gold along with an Olympic MVP, he's on the Cup next to Ray Bourque, Patrick Roy, Rob Blake and other legends. At a $1.5 million raise, which was pathetic for other sports at the time, Colorado got Super Joe at a bargain.
Boomstick!: But what we really should be asking ourselves is...does our audience give a shit? They just wanna know if offer sheets are good or bad. Offer sheets, good...greedy players, bad. Actually, i can't tell which way i feel about offer sheets. I just know i'm more obsessed about greedy hockey players than i am about the calcified deposit on my inner thigh
Kicksave: You disgust me. Truly. I'm disgusted. I think players are players. People are people. In Sakics case, for all we know he was a resentful Canadian that could really give a shit about Colorado hockey. So what if he just won the Cup? New York was calling. Stop trying to hold these guys to such high standards.
Boomstick!: Oh i've stopped. This is why i'm not shocked if i found out they dope. They are, after all like you say, people. And hell, people are suspect to greed and cheating and all of the gloriously awful traits of our grand immoral quilt.
Kicksave: Yeah it's terrible. These...horrible hockey people and their scarves!
Boomstick!: Like i said, i grew up with an image of these guys. Damn them for being idols, but it's true. I held them to such high standards. And it took the actions of my hometown, Cup-winning, MVP captain to crush that view. If you want, i'm almost done building my time machine, you and i can go back and beat the shit out of the younger me for thinking these guys were actually super human.
I'll hold me, while you punch me in the stomach.
Kicksave: I'll punch you in the stomach in past, present and future McFly.
Hey look, we finally filled an article with hockey!
Next week we’ll try to calm down enough to address yet another hockey related opinion-filled argument intended to suck the life out of your lunch hour. That’s right, gravy fry etiquette.
Boomstick!: I'm Boomstick! for Kicksave. See you seeing us later!
Boomstick!: yes, what is it about Burnaby Joe?
Kicksave: Shall I point out that he is only the second person his age to go for 100 points in a season. The first being Mr. Hockey, Gordie Howe.
Boomstick!: How tremendous, he was able to hold it together through that miserable season long enough to miss the playoffs by one game
Kicksave: *Ahem* On the heels of our "thriilling installment" last week on steroids, I felt it was important that we discuss something that is an interesting subject in the world of hockey, and one that is more than a sore issue for many a GM: offer sheets and how Joe Sakic “ruined” hockey.
And who in the world of Boomstick! over there is more of a symbol of hockey player greed than, you guessed it…
Boomstick!: Yes, Mr. Joe-ina Sakic entered into a world of covetry and greed when he opened the door for an offer sheet from the Rangers in 1997 (the Summer following their first successful Cup run)
Kicksave: Mmhmm...continue.
Boomstick!: Which led to the Avalanche matching to retain their loyal, humble, of-the-citizenry captain in their ranks by giving him a whopping (at the time and now, ten years later) $7 Million a year
Kicksave: Highway robbery! 7 million. To match the Rangers offer...to keep around one of the great captains of all time. 7 million dollars! I was...annoyed? Help me here, I'm looking for a word that can better describe how much attention I paid to that subject..
Boomstick!: yes, $7 MIllion dollars. He desperately needed it. Have you seen the teeth of the Sakic clan? They don't need orthodonture, they need a UN Commission!!!
Kicksave: Look. Canadian kids need dental work just like every other kid.
My thing is that teams that care should pay to retain their stars...and offer sheets provide that option. I think if you want to blame anyone, blame the Rangers.
Boomstick!: Hockey was supposed to have a leg up on all the other sports. Our boys' decisions weren't supposed to be dictated by greed and the dollar, but instead loyalty, teamanship, and heart.
Kicksave: teamanship?
Boomstick!: Focus. Nobody better epitomized this than Mr. Joseph Sakic, formerly of the Quebec Nordiques who became the Stanley Cup Champion Colorado Avalanche of 1996
Kicksave: My head...it hurts...
Boomstick!: Oh i DO blame the Rangers. I blame Neil Smith. But i also blame Joe-ina.
Kicksave: If you were offered that much money, you are willing to tell me that you and people around you, in Joe's case, his family, wouldn't push you to:
1. Take the money
2. Go live in New York as the toast of the Rangers
3. Still keep a house in Colorado
If I'm Joe Sakic, and I'm strolling around with the Conn Smythe, I sign that offer sheet.
Boomstick!: Thank god you're not Joe Sakic, otherwise there might be someone with a sense of leadership and vocal chords in the locker room...
wait a minute, back on track. I would hope my family would not push me to sign this sheet because:
1. I just won the Stanley Cup (fuck the Conn Smythe) with my team, JUST WON IT. And they would understand the hallowed feelings I have developed with this crew, allowing me to experience the only dream (not of course articulated) that i've ever, ever, ever had
2. So i could continue to smile awkwardly with the Cup while having the most generous parties with my gracious and friendly Colorado neighbors
3. They realize that the $5.4 Million dollars i was making last year was more than the GDP of Burma, Mali, Mozambique, Guyana and Rhode Island combined. Why would we need more money?
4. They would know not to push me to a point where I might have to "use my words" and scream: LEAVE ME ALONE SO I CAN ENJOY THE SPLENDOR THAT IS THE SUMMER AS A CUP CHAMPION, UH, PLEASE!
Kicksave: Joe Sakic. I've just finished having sex with my wife on the Stanley Cup. All my dreams have come true. I am captain of the Cup champs and was awarded as the best player in the playoffs on a team that has been relocated to...as far as we can tell, a ski resort that once had a team that was coached by Don Cherry of all people! Now the New York motherfuckin Rangers come along and all of a sudden I'm looking at not only a huge salary but a lot more in endorsements once I hit the Apple. Honey, load up the Pacer!
Boomstick!: and how is this not exceedingly greedy?
Kicksave: Oh and don't forget, Avs. I've made you a lot of money. I'll um...stick around if you were to say, match the offer. I don't think greed is necessarily THE factor in that kind of decision. At that point Joe has no idea if things are going to get better than that.
Boomstick!: you have never addressed the fact that greed certainly plays a factor in this decision. NEVER. And that is enough, for me. I lose all respect for him when i realize he's as bad as Shaq and Ricky Martin.
Kicksave: Shaq's good. One of the greats. Ricky Martin...not so great. I 'd venture to say that he may actually suck.
Boomstick!: "Shaq...one of the greats" I think this disqualifies you on ever making any comments regarding the game of basketball or any game for that matter that involves a ball that is orange colored
Kicksave: Are you serious? What do you know for a guy who never watches basketball?
Boomstick!: Instead of taking that bait...i'll turn it back to the point you still haven't in 6 YEARS OF ARGUING THIS ever addressed. Sakic's greed. He was greedy, for whatever reasons you offer, greed played a part. And that tarnished him in my eyes.
Kicksave: Was it Sakic's greed...or his agents? You forget that there are always middlemen who want theirs...Sakic got paid...one way or another
Boomstick!: wow, soooo delusional. You don't even want to admit today that Joe-ina was ever driven by greed. Accepting an offer sheet from the pig-whores of the NHL is in fact an act of greed, especially considering he has just won the Cup. Every time i look at him, i remember that offer sheet. Greedy motherfucker.
Same goes for Adam Foote.
Kicksave: Mmmm...I'd take 7 mil. What did Chris Chelios sign for in Detroit by the way?
Boomstick!: Chris Chelios never quite made it to Detroit. Very tragic, that whole thing. The wreckage. the flames. The children screaming. Oh...the children screaming.
Kicksave: He...played....was on a Cup team...
Boomstick!: (notice how i have to invent lies so that i don't look at a childhood idol as the greedy dickhead he is instead of completely denying the truth)
Kicksave: Yeah it's sick. You are lucky that it is funny. I think if I'm Joe Sakic, there is no shame at that point in signing an offer sheet. Should I list salaries in other sports at that time?
Boomstick!: no, just list them in the sport he purported to play humbly and gratefully each and every day
Kicksave: *this is me rubbing my forehead* Has he signed offer sheets since then? Has he threatened to leave the Avs? Has he done anything other than lead that team, and along the way achieve nearly every accomplishment that a player could attain? The way you describe it is as if you feel he cheated you in some way. Show me on the doll where Joe Sakic touched you, Boomer.
Boomstick!: he did cheat me. I got to experience my own dream. My own National Hockey League team, a hometown team. Their meteoric climb to glory, the fulfillment of every idiom and practice that was drilled into me as a hockey player, to see our Captain lift the Cup first, and to think for a moment that all of the cynicism about professional athletes somehow didn't fit our boys. It doesn’t matter what he's done since. That's not what i'm lamenting, what i'm lamenting is that he had the opportunity to NOT BE A GREEDY SON-OF-A-BITCH in his entire career, and he failed.
Kicksave: Okay...so you think that hockey players should go back to working in factories and mills, or tilling the earth as the Carter Family provides the soundtrack to their humble lives only to return to the sepia toned, lithographic sheets of ice and mist in the fall to battle with the forces of evil?
Boomstick!: Nah, not anymore. Sakic changed my view of hockey players. They are greedy. They succumb to the same forces the other blowhardy athletes do in other sports. Sakic changed my entire outlook on the sport and it's professional representatives. He's greedy. They're all greedy. That's why i wasn't surprised when they sat out an entire season. Greedy jerks who think of only their closest and most selfish of interests.
Kicksave: The owners locked them out.
Boomstick!: riiiiiiight, the owners who were complaining about salaries and ticket prices. Yet, salaries and ticket prices have done - wait a second, is there something wrong with my calculator? - nothing but go up
Kicksave: Players like Sakic went, sure for 7+ million dollars...he was worth it in my opinion. The Rangers threw down an offer sheet because they felt in order for them to compete that they would need to have the best talent. Of course this philosophy led to Bobby Holik pulling down more than 8 mil a year, but the point is that the water level in the pool went up and Sakic took advantage.
Boomstick!: Yes, Sakic was greedy.
Kicksave: I'm not saying the man was poor.
Boomstick!: Repeat after me, Kicksave: Sakic was greedy. it's okay, you can feel again. Just admit this, and all the scary monsters will go away.
Kicksave: Sakic simply responded to the market. Say you are a great manager at you job. Everyone loves you and the office is highly productive and successful.Then one day another company comes along and offers more money.
Boomstick!: Stunning. Had the ability to admit that Joe-ina was greedy, and even today - EVEN 6 YEARS LATER, FOLKS! - Kicksave cannot admit that his brave and venerably overachieving captain was greedy
greedy
greedy
greedy
greedy
greedy
Kicksave: I think if I'm in that position, and I'm 27-28 years old, I'm at the top of my game and the City of New York walks up to me with a huge contract, I turn "greedy" really quick.
Boomstick!: what? Is that an admission? I can't believe it! Folks, you are witnessing a monumental achievement. Not even Arnold Schwarzenegger at a NOW rally would surprise me more than this. Kicksave actually admits that Joe Sakic was greedy. I'm stunned. I have to sorta absorb this...
Kicksave: Since 1997 Joe Sakic has gone on become a great member of the Denver community, he's won Olympic gold along with an Olympic MVP, he's on the Cup next to Ray Bourque, Patrick Roy, Rob Blake and other legends. At a $1.5 million raise, which was pathetic for other sports at the time, Colorado got Super Joe at a bargain.
Boomstick!: But what we really should be asking ourselves is...does our audience give a shit? They just wanna know if offer sheets are good or bad. Offer sheets, good...greedy players, bad. Actually, i can't tell which way i feel about offer sheets. I just know i'm more obsessed about greedy hockey players than i am about the calcified deposit on my inner thigh
Kicksave: You disgust me. Truly. I'm disgusted. I think players are players. People are people. In Sakics case, for all we know he was a resentful Canadian that could really give a shit about Colorado hockey. So what if he just won the Cup? New York was calling. Stop trying to hold these guys to such high standards.
Boomstick!: Oh i've stopped. This is why i'm not shocked if i found out they dope. They are, after all like you say, people. And hell, people are suspect to greed and cheating and all of the gloriously awful traits of our grand immoral quilt.
Kicksave: Yeah it's terrible. These...horrible hockey people and their scarves!
Boomstick!: Like i said, i grew up with an image of these guys. Damn them for being idols, but it's true. I held them to such high standards. And it took the actions of my hometown, Cup-winning, MVP captain to crush that view. If you want, i'm almost done building my time machine, you and i can go back and beat the shit out of the younger me for thinking these guys were actually super human.
I'll hold me, while you punch me in the stomach.
Kicksave: I'll punch you in the stomach in past, present and future McFly.
Hey look, we finally filled an article with hockey!
Next week we’ll try to calm down enough to address yet another hockey related opinion-filled argument intended to suck the life out of your lunch hour. That’s right, gravy fry etiquette.
Boomstick!: I'm Boomstick! for Kicksave. See you seeing us later!
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
You want juice? We got the juice!
Boomstick!: Hey yo!
Kicksave: Good trip there world traveler? We did miss our deadline on Friday because of your uppity galavanting. Oops!
Boomstick!: EXCELLENT trip!
Kicksave: Any international incidents?
Boomstick!: A few. I rented a bike to tour and had a great time. I rode over 80KM in one day. Well, at the end of the day (and that's ONLY why it happened *wink*), i was scooting along, kinda lost…
Kicksave: I have no idea how far 80km is...
Boomstick!: It's like 50 miles
Kicksave: Ok. Continue Mr. Armstrong.
Boomstick!: I’m scooting along, and I "graze" this guy who's on the sidewalk, as I round the corner. Well, I'm stammering in my 4 words of Hungarian, trying to apologize.
Kicksave: Wait. You stopped?
Boomstick!: You bet. I thought I should apologize.
Kicksave: Uh oh.
Boomstick!: So I've massacred his language: "boch", "Butch", "Bitch". I then decide he's pissed, and I feel like I should take off.
Kicksave: Is that when he took you down? Please tell me he took you down.
Boomstick!: Almost. So I start SPRINTING ON A BIKE and the fucking Hungarian takes off after me! I swear to god I had no idea former Commies were that fast. The fucker kept pace with me for TWO SOLID BLOCKS!
Kicksave: He may have been on performance enhancing drugs.
Boomstick!: So he's grabbing at me, pulling at my t-shirt, and I'm just laughing at him, "You fucking Hungarians are fast!!!"
Kicksave: Excellent.
Boomstick!: I finally lose him, I'm feeling like a champ. Go further and I’m still sprinting. I see a chick bicyclist up ahead, who I want to zoom by. I do a "maneuver", sweep around her, then catch my foot on the ground as I landed from the air off of my "maneuver". Bit the dust HARD .
Kicksave: I hope you clicked yer heels in the air there, Bambi. It’s hard to play grab ass at top speed on a bike. Did you get hurt?
Boomstick!: Just some road rashes. a few bruises. Nothing big.
Kicksave: Cool. Good weather? What did you eat there, cabbage?
Boomstick!: Lots of salami, goulash, and every derivative of crème.
Kicksave: Was it pony salami like in Finland?
Boomstick: I do hope they only eat that stuff. OH! I bought me a Soviet Army watch from an old Communist-era flea market.
Kicksave: Cool. Did they strip search you at customs because of it?
Boomstick!: Nossir.
Kicksave: How unfortunate
Boomstick!: I told them I won it in a game of Russian Roulette with some mobsters in a bar that only served Fosters. Go get'em boys!
Kicksave: That usually works. Okay are we talking hockey or what?
Boomstick!: What you got?
Kicksave: Okay since there is no really great hockey news…since it is July… I'm not sure if you have been aware, but apparently the last week has been the worst in the history of American sports.
-You got Mike Vick probably going down for dog fighting.
-You have an NBA ref who fixed games
Boomstick!: So the week was worse than when the Buffalo Bills were created?
Kicksave: Much worse. Listen. Additionally you have Bonds getting within a homer of Aaron, and pretty much everyone hates Barry. Crazy week! But the “good” thing is that hockey has pretty much slipped under the radar despite Balsille accusing Bettman of messing with the deal to buy the Preds, and Rick Tocchet being a moron. I know, shocker.
Boomstick: About Bettman?
Kicksave: No, about nobody paying attention to hockey. Pah dum dum…
Boomstick: Let’s take a moment of silence for that joke.
Thanks.
I happen to be one of the 6 people in this country who admit to still rooting for ole Barry.
Kicksave: Yeah you are a Bonds fan...and I try and ignore that. What I’m getting at is the completely obvious question: “Could hockey be corrupted by steroids and shady refs?”
Boomstick!: Definitely.
Kicksave: Bettman does a good job of screwing up the game on his own… From what I understand, if you take steroids they can make bones brittle. That can’t help when you are running into walls at 30 mph.
Boomstick!: You also forget that I do not particularly care if athletes are taking performance enhancing drugs
Kicksave: Exactly why is that?
Boomstick!: Because I think there is a fine line between what is "performance enhancing" and what isn't. Personally, if someone wants to take something that allows them to skate at 110 mph, I don't see why we don't let them be jackasses and destroy their innards for that kind of glory. Manny Ramirez talks about having sex right before a game. He says it clears his mind. How is that not performance enhancing?
Kicksave: I don’t really think that sex is performance enhancing. If anything it is a good workout that leads to cigarettes. What I'm talking about is steroids and ephedrine, etc. 'Roids are a different thing entirely.
Boomstick!: I don't think so.
Kicksave: What is this Debate Club?
Boomstick!: Tell me the difference between someone who doesn't lift weights and someone who does? Lifting weights is performance enhancing.
Kicksave: A guy who lifts weights can break a guy who doesn't lift weights in two like a Rob Blake ass check. Yet I don't think lifting weights or being in shape is necessarily performance enhancing in a drug-like sense.
Boomstick!: I think that when Babe Ruth was sucking down caffeine and smoking his stogies, he was definitely performance enhancing…I'm just saying, I don't look at it like the tumor or cancer like everyone else.
Kicksave: Okay so how do you justify records then? Do you make drugs legal? Or should we put a record that was accomplished under drugs in the different league as a record that wasn't? I'll say this, if Babe Ruth hit all those homers drunk, well sir I'm impressed.
Boomstick!: Many people believe that A-Rod, who most likely DOES NOT enhance, will surpass Bonds, and that'll make all this hullabaloo moot. Plus, I still think Bonds accomplishes it without his pills or cream, and no one can tell me otherwise in an intelligent way. It's an impossible thing to debate.
Kicksave: Okay how would you react if say, it came out one day that Gretzky juiced? I would be completely shocked and saddened.
Boomstick!: I would not be.
Kicksave: Because you wouldn't be surprised?
Boomstick!: No, I would be surprised. He was so little, so itsy, bitsy wanna-pet-him little.. But, I feel like I place a barrier between me and my favorite athletes. I don't want to scrutinize their lives or practices. They're human, of course they'll make mistakes. However, Michael Vick's is inexcusable. But that's because what he was doing was dangerous illegal, had nothing to do with the game, AND was hurting more people than just him.
Kicksave: Well apparently he was mostly hurting dogs… other people maybe…checking the ticker here…Nope! Actually ONLY dogs seem to have gotten hurt. Glad we got that cleared up.
Boomstick!: Puppies ARE people!!
Kicksave: Would you say that you've seen hockey games that you felt were fixed?
Boomstick!: Actively fixed? Or fixed subconsciously?
Kicksave: I can't say I've walked away from a game that I felt was fixed. (Except for every game where the Wings beat the Avs. Those were obviously fixed. Every one of em! Goddamn Red Wings!)
Boomstick!: Are you kidding me? Even when the Avs blew the Red Wings out, I knew they were fixed. The NHL lets them put the words "Hockeytown" in the middle of their ice, and that's not favoritism? I missed the contest to determine the official location of said "Hockeytown". Who's the mayor of Hockeytown? Marion Barry?
Kicksave: I think if there is a “Hockeytown” in the US it is somewhere around Bloomington, Minnesota. Seriously. Detroit is “Honkeytown”! AND, I don’t know nothin’ about no gall durned fixed Avs wins. They won all those with heart and good ole fashioned monkeyshines!
Boomstick!: I understand the desire to keep our league sacred and pure…
Kicksave: Yes, the precious. Must protect the precious.
Boomstick!: But, I wouldn't be surprised if there are PED's
Kicksave: Right.
Boomstick!: These are highly competitive people, whose livelihood is dependent on them achieving massive physical feats night after night. Who's to say that we haven't evolved to the point where PED's are somewhat necessary?
Kicksave: I don't think that we have evolved at all. Not until I’ve heard a reasonable explanation for Taco Bell's "Fourth Meal" will I stop believing humans are DE-volving!
Boomstick!: It's good to go!
Kicksave: I guess as a fan, I want a level playing field. I believe the Commish needs to make sure that the leeg is more strenuously drug tested than Lindsay Lohan during the holidays.
Boomstick!: But even then, I don't think it would be a level playing field. I'm not convinced that drugs trump talent. Like I said, I think Bonds still breaks the record. Sure, you crush a ball harder on 'roids. but the juice does not allow you to get your arms around fast enough to ding a 93 mile per hour slider over the left field wall.
Kicksave: I think he either juices now, or did for a while in the past. I doubt he juices at this point, and if he does he’s using something that isn’t illegal or can be tested. What really doesn't help is that he is either A) a prick, or B) misrepresented as a prick.
Boomstick!: You know I'm a sucker for pricks, and you are certainly a sucker for them when they play for your teams.
Kicksave: So many jokes I could make right now...and I dare not touch a-one of ‘em! I met Claude Lemieux once. He seemed like a pretty cool guy. I enjoyed every minute of his Avalanche career.
Boomstick!: Lord...left myself hanging in the outhouse there, didn't I?
Kicksave: Yes. Because you aren't smart.
Boomstick!: I'll save myself by saying Patrick Roy was not a media darling.
Kicksave: Hmmm...he’s more of a darling than Bonds. When everyone around Bonds is involved in PEDs and he's chasing the biggest record in sports, and he's seen as a prick...well you do the math.
Boomstick!: But perhaps that's what's so beautiful about what Bond's is doing…
Kicksave: What is beautiful about it?
Boomstick!: He's making it hard for you to care. I don't know anyone who's excited about it. Yet, when I saw that I might be out of the country for it, I was sad.
Kicksave: And that's good?
Boomstick!: Yeah, that's because people wanna see the record broken as human achievement. I want him to break it as a personal achievement.
Kicksave: on juice...
Boomstick!: Doesn't faze me..
Kicksave: or aided and abetted by juice at some point…
Boomstick!: Gretzky was aided and abetted by enforcers and refs who called anybody who got within an inch of his tucked-in jersey.
Kicksave: Okay. And there were the Jordan Rules. Nobody could touch him either. And then there was Joe Montana - cyborg. I don't think we are solving this one. I mean, what happens when Crosby starts pushing Wayne's records? We of course will be forced to wonder if The Kid was on anything.
Boomstick!: I sure as hell won't. Take me out of that sissy "we".
Kicksave: I say "we the people".
Boomstick!: I did not sign up for the "Need Something To Constantly Whine About" club.
Kicksave: That's true you aren’t on the list. And speaking of whining...Brian Burke anyone???
Boomstick!: “Please stop signing my mediocre players, I want to have an exclusive chokehold on them.”
Kicksave: The kid...was one of the best scorers...on a team that didn't score...oh the humanity! Of course what I like is that if Edmonton ultimately lands Dustin Penner, they will have sufficiently replaced Lupul. Good job Mr. Lowe...now if you can just find a way to get Ryan Smyth back...oops!
Boomstick!: aaaand Mike Comrie, who was reportedly found on a date the other night with Hillary Duff.
Kicksave: With that I will now go light a candle in front of my picture of Smitty in an Avs sweater…what is this Entertainment Tonight?! God can hockey start already!
Boomstick!: Apparently someone couldn't get Comrie Tara Reid's number.
Kicksave: I'm sure riding in Duffs car must be fun. Kind of like touring with Ace of Bass, I think. "Ummm can you take the wheel, Mikey? I have some texting I need to get out the way before we go shopping for feather boas."
Boomstick!: Yes, that's what we need, more feather boas in our discussions.
Kicksave: Okay I’m ignoring you at this point. That is yet another "thrilling installment" of Facewash. For Princess Boomstick! I'm Kicksave.
Boomstick!: What? We we're recording that?
Boomstick!: hell
Boomstick!: I would've put on my good pair of corduroys if I'd known that!
Kicksave: Hippie.
Boomstick!: Well, I'd just like to thank the folks for reading another Installment. (I hope your adult diaper wearing hasn't become too obvious in your whining Kicksave.)
Kicksave: Lame. Okay we're out! Check again next time as we ramble aimlessly about shaving, Imhotep, mid-80's Eastern bloc skating techniques, and the potential pitfalls of using duct tape to doctor up a Synergy stick.
Kicksave: Good trip there world traveler? We did miss our deadline on Friday because of your uppity galavanting. Oops!
Boomstick!: EXCELLENT trip!
Kicksave: Any international incidents?
Boomstick!: A few. I rented a bike to tour and had a great time. I rode over 80KM in one day. Well, at the end of the day (and that's ONLY why it happened *wink*), i was scooting along, kinda lost…
Kicksave: I have no idea how far 80km is...
Boomstick!: It's like 50 miles
Kicksave: Ok. Continue Mr. Armstrong.
Boomstick!: I’m scooting along, and I "graze" this guy who's on the sidewalk, as I round the corner. Well, I'm stammering in my 4 words of Hungarian, trying to apologize.
Kicksave: Wait. You stopped?
Boomstick!: You bet. I thought I should apologize.
Kicksave: Uh oh.
Boomstick!: So I've massacred his language: "boch", "Butch", "Bitch". I then decide he's pissed, and I feel like I should take off.
Kicksave: Is that when he took you down? Please tell me he took you down.
Boomstick!: Almost. So I start SPRINTING ON A BIKE and the fucking Hungarian takes off after me! I swear to god I had no idea former Commies were that fast. The fucker kept pace with me for TWO SOLID BLOCKS!
Kicksave: He may have been on performance enhancing drugs.
Boomstick!: So he's grabbing at me, pulling at my t-shirt, and I'm just laughing at him, "You fucking Hungarians are fast!!!"
Kicksave: Excellent.
Boomstick!: I finally lose him, I'm feeling like a champ. Go further and I’m still sprinting. I see a chick bicyclist up ahead, who I want to zoom by. I do a "maneuver", sweep around her, then catch my foot on the ground as I landed from the air off of my "maneuver". Bit the dust HARD .
Kicksave: I hope you clicked yer heels in the air there, Bambi. It’s hard to play grab ass at top speed on a bike. Did you get hurt?
Boomstick!: Just some road rashes. a few bruises. Nothing big.
Kicksave: Cool. Good weather? What did you eat there, cabbage?
Boomstick!: Lots of salami, goulash, and every derivative of crème.
Kicksave: Was it pony salami like in Finland?
Boomstick: I do hope they only eat that stuff. OH! I bought me a Soviet Army watch from an old Communist-era flea market.
Kicksave: Cool. Did they strip search you at customs because of it?
Boomstick!: Nossir.
Kicksave: How unfortunate
Boomstick!: I told them I won it in a game of Russian Roulette with some mobsters in a bar that only served Fosters. Go get'em boys!
Kicksave: That usually works. Okay are we talking hockey or what?
Boomstick!: What you got?
Kicksave: Okay since there is no really great hockey news…since it is July… I'm not sure if you have been aware, but apparently the last week has been the worst in the history of American sports.
-You got Mike Vick probably going down for dog fighting.
-You have an NBA ref who fixed games
Boomstick!: So the week was worse than when the Buffalo Bills were created?
Kicksave: Much worse. Listen. Additionally you have Bonds getting within a homer of Aaron, and pretty much everyone hates Barry. Crazy week! But the “good” thing is that hockey has pretty much slipped under the radar despite Balsille accusing Bettman of messing with the deal to buy the Preds, and Rick Tocchet being a moron. I know, shocker.
Boomstick: About Bettman?
Kicksave: No, about nobody paying attention to hockey. Pah dum dum…
Boomstick: Let’s take a moment of silence for that joke.
Thanks.
I happen to be one of the 6 people in this country who admit to still rooting for ole Barry.
Kicksave: Yeah you are a Bonds fan...and I try and ignore that. What I’m getting at is the completely obvious question: “Could hockey be corrupted by steroids and shady refs?”
Boomstick!: Definitely.
Kicksave: Bettman does a good job of screwing up the game on his own… From what I understand, if you take steroids they can make bones brittle. That can’t help when you are running into walls at 30 mph.
Boomstick!: You also forget that I do not particularly care if athletes are taking performance enhancing drugs
Kicksave: Exactly why is that?
Boomstick!: Because I think there is a fine line between what is "performance enhancing" and what isn't. Personally, if someone wants to take something that allows them to skate at 110 mph, I don't see why we don't let them be jackasses and destroy their innards for that kind of glory. Manny Ramirez talks about having sex right before a game. He says it clears his mind. How is that not performance enhancing?
Kicksave: I don’t really think that sex is performance enhancing. If anything it is a good workout that leads to cigarettes. What I'm talking about is steroids and ephedrine, etc. 'Roids are a different thing entirely.
Boomstick!: I don't think so.
Kicksave: What is this Debate Club?
Boomstick!: Tell me the difference between someone who doesn't lift weights and someone who does? Lifting weights is performance enhancing.
Kicksave: A guy who lifts weights can break a guy who doesn't lift weights in two like a Rob Blake ass check. Yet I don't think lifting weights or being in shape is necessarily performance enhancing in a drug-like sense.
Boomstick!: I think that when Babe Ruth was sucking down caffeine and smoking his stogies, he was definitely performance enhancing…I'm just saying, I don't look at it like the tumor or cancer like everyone else.
Kicksave: Okay so how do you justify records then? Do you make drugs legal? Or should we put a record that was accomplished under drugs in the different league as a record that wasn't? I'll say this, if Babe Ruth hit all those homers drunk, well sir I'm impressed.
Boomstick!: Many people believe that A-Rod, who most likely DOES NOT enhance, will surpass Bonds, and that'll make all this hullabaloo moot. Plus, I still think Bonds accomplishes it without his pills or cream, and no one can tell me otherwise in an intelligent way. It's an impossible thing to debate.
Kicksave: Okay how would you react if say, it came out one day that Gretzky juiced? I would be completely shocked and saddened.
Boomstick!: I would not be.
Kicksave: Because you wouldn't be surprised?
Boomstick!: No, I would be surprised. He was so little, so itsy, bitsy wanna-pet-him little.. But, I feel like I place a barrier between me and my favorite athletes. I don't want to scrutinize their lives or practices. They're human, of course they'll make mistakes. However, Michael Vick's is inexcusable. But that's because what he was doing was dangerous illegal, had nothing to do with the game, AND was hurting more people than just him.
Kicksave: Well apparently he was mostly hurting dogs… other people maybe…checking the ticker here…Nope! Actually ONLY dogs seem to have gotten hurt. Glad we got that cleared up.
Boomstick!: Puppies ARE people!!
Kicksave: Would you say that you've seen hockey games that you felt were fixed?
Boomstick!: Actively fixed? Or fixed subconsciously?
Kicksave: I can't say I've walked away from a game that I felt was fixed. (Except for every game where the Wings beat the Avs. Those were obviously fixed. Every one of em! Goddamn Red Wings!)
Boomstick!: Are you kidding me? Even when the Avs blew the Red Wings out, I knew they were fixed. The NHL lets them put the words "Hockeytown" in the middle of their ice, and that's not favoritism? I missed the contest to determine the official location of said "Hockeytown". Who's the mayor of Hockeytown? Marion Barry?
Kicksave: I think if there is a “Hockeytown” in the US it is somewhere around Bloomington, Minnesota. Seriously. Detroit is “Honkeytown”! AND, I don’t know nothin’ about no gall durned fixed Avs wins. They won all those with heart and good ole fashioned monkeyshines!
Boomstick!: I understand the desire to keep our league sacred and pure…
Kicksave: Yes, the precious. Must protect the precious.
Boomstick!: But, I wouldn't be surprised if there are PED's
Kicksave: Right.
Boomstick!: These are highly competitive people, whose livelihood is dependent on them achieving massive physical feats night after night. Who's to say that we haven't evolved to the point where PED's are somewhat necessary?
Kicksave: I don't think that we have evolved at all. Not until I’ve heard a reasonable explanation for Taco Bell's "Fourth Meal" will I stop believing humans are DE-volving!
Boomstick!: It's good to go!
Kicksave: I guess as a fan, I want a level playing field. I believe the Commish needs to make sure that the leeg is more strenuously drug tested than Lindsay Lohan during the holidays.
Boomstick!: But even then, I don't think it would be a level playing field. I'm not convinced that drugs trump talent. Like I said, I think Bonds still breaks the record. Sure, you crush a ball harder on 'roids. but the juice does not allow you to get your arms around fast enough to ding a 93 mile per hour slider over the left field wall.
Kicksave: I think he either juices now, or did for a while in the past. I doubt he juices at this point, and if he does he’s using something that isn’t illegal or can be tested. What really doesn't help is that he is either A) a prick, or B) misrepresented as a prick.
Boomstick!: You know I'm a sucker for pricks, and you are certainly a sucker for them when they play for your teams.
Kicksave: So many jokes I could make right now...and I dare not touch a-one of ‘em! I met Claude Lemieux once. He seemed like a pretty cool guy. I enjoyed every minute of his Avalanche career.
Boomstick!: Lord...left myself hanging in the outhouse there, didn't I?
Kicksave: Yes. Because you aren't smart.
Boomstick!: I'll save myself by saying Patrick Roy was not a media darling.
Kicksave: Hmmm...he’s more of a darling than Bonds. When everyone around Bonds is involved in PEDs and he's chasing the biggest record in sports, and he's seen as a prick...well you do the math.
Boomstick!: But perhaps that's what's so beautiful about what Bond's is doing…
Kicksave: What is beautiful about it?
Boomstick!: He's making it hard for you to care. I don't know anyone who's excited about it. Yet, when I saw that I might be out of the country for it, I was sad.
Kicksave: And that's good?
Boomstick!: Yeah, that's because people wanna see the record broken as human achievement. I want him to break it as a personal achievement.
Kicksave: on juice...
Boomstick!: Doesn't faze me..
Kicksave: or aided and abetted by juice at some point…
Boomstick!: Gretzky was aided and abetted by enforcers and refs who called anybody who got within an inch of his tucked-in jersey.
Kicksave: Okay. And there were the Jordan Rules. Nobody could touch him either. And then there was Joe Montana - cyborg. I don't think we are solving this one. I mean, what happens when Crosby starts pushing Wayne's records? We of course will be forced to wonder if The Kid was on anything.
Boomstick!: I sure as hell won't. Take me out of that sissy "we".
Kicksave: I say "we the people".
Boomstick!: I did not sign up for the "Need Something To Constantly Whine About" club.
Kicksave: That's true you aren’t on the list. And speaking of whining...Brian Burke anyone???
Boomstick!: “Please stop signing my mediocre players, I want to have an exclusive chokehold on them.”
Kicksave: The kid...was one of the best scorers...on a team that didn't score...oh the humanity! Of course what I like is that if Edmonton ultimately lands Dustin Penner, they will have sufficiently replaced Lupul. Good job Mr. Lowe...now if you can just find a way to get Ryan Smyth back...oops!
Boomstick!: aaaand Mike Comrie, who was reportedly found on a date the other night with Hillary Duff.
Kicksave: With that I will now go light a candle in front of my picture of Smitty in an Avs sweater…what is this Entertainment Tonight?! God can hockey start already!
Boomstick!: Apparently someone couldn't get Comrie Tara Reid's number.
Kicksave: I'm sure riding in Duffs car must be fun. Kind of like touring with Ace of Bass, I think. "Ummm can you take the wheel, Mikey? I have some texting I need to get out the way before we go shopping for feather boas."
Boomstick!: Yes, that's what we need, more feather boas in our discussions.
Kicksave: Okay I’m ignoring you at this point. That is yet another "thrilling installment" of Facewash. For Princess Boomstick! I'm Kicksave.
Boomstick!: What? We we're recording that?
Boomstick!: hell
Boomstick!: I would've put on my good pair of corduroys if I'd known that!
Kicksave: Hippie.
Boomstick!: Well, I'd just like to thank the folks for reading another Installment. (I hope your adult diaper wearing hasn't become too obvious in your whining Kicksave.)
Kicksave: Lame. Okay we're out! Check again next time as we ramble aimlessly about shaving, Imhotep, mid-80's Eastern bloc skating techniques, and the potential pitfalls of using duct tape to doctor up a Synergy stick.
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