Friday, August 10, 2007

The grass is always greedier

Kicksave: JOE SAKIC ladies and gentlemen!

Boomstick!: yes, what is it about Burnaby Joe?

Kicksave: Shall I point out that he is only the second person his age to go for 100 points in a season. The first being Mr. Hockey, Gordie Howe.

Boomstick!: How tremendous, he was able to hold it together through that miserable season long enough to miss the playoffs by one game

Kicksave: *Ahem* On the heels of our "thriilling installment" last week on steroids, I felt it was important that we discuss something that is an interesting subject in the world of hockey, and one that is more than a sore issue for many a GM: offer sheets and how Joe Sakic “ruined” hockey.

And who in the world of Boomstick! over there is more of a symbol of hockey player greed than, you guessed it…

Boomstick!: Yes, Mr. Joe-ina Sakic entered into a world of covetry and greed when he opened the door for an offer sheet from the Rangers in 1997 (the Summer following their first successful Cup run)

Kicksave: Mmhmm...continue.

Boomstick!: Which led to the Avalanche matching to retain their loyal, humble, of-the-citizenry captain in their ranks by giving him a whopping (at the time and now, ten years later) $7 Million a year

Kicksave: Highway robbery! 7 million. To match the Rangers keep around one of the great captains of all time. 7 million dollars! I was...annoyed? Help me here, I'm looking for a word that can better describe how much attention I paid to that subject..

Boomstick!: yes, $7 MIllion dollars. He desperately needed it. Have you seen the teeth of the Sakic clan? They don't need orthodonture, they need a UN Commission!!!

Kicksave: Look. Canadian kids need dental work just like every other kid.
My thing is that teams that care should pay to retain their stars...and offer sheets provide that option. I think if you want to blame anyone, blame the Rangers.

Boomstick!: Hockey was supposed to have a leg up on all the other sports. Our boys' decisions weren't supposed to be dictated by greed and the dollar, but instead loyalty, teamanship, and heart.

Kicksave: teamanship?

Boomstick!: Focus. Nobody better epitomized this than Mr. Joseph Sakic, formerly of the Quebec Nordiques who became the Stanley Cup Champion Colorado Avalanche of 1996

Kicksave: My hurts...

Boomstick!: Oh i DO blame the Rangers. I blame Neil Smith. But i also blame Joe-ina.

Kicksave: If you were offered that much money, you are willing to tell me that you and people around you, in Joe's case, his family, wouldn't push you to:
1. Take the money
2. Go live in New York as the toast of the Rangers
3. Still keep a house in Colorado
If I'm Joe Sakic, and I'm strolling around with the Conn Smythe, I sign that offer sheet.

Boomstick!: Thank god you're not Joe Sakic, otherwise there might be someone with a sense of leadership and vocal chords in the locker room...
wait a minute, back on track. I would hope my family would not push me to sign this sheet because:

1. I just won the Stanley Cup (fuck the Conn Smythe) with my team, JUST WON IT. And they would understand the hallowed feelings I have developed with this crew, allowing me to experience the only dream (not of course articulated) that i've ever, ever, ever had
2. So i could continue to smile awkwardly with the Cup while having the most generous parties with my gracious and friendly Colorado neighbors
3. They realize that the $5.4 Million dollars i was making last year was more than the GDP of Burma, Mali, Mozambique, Guyana and Rhode Island combined. Why would we need more money?
4. They would know not to push me to a point where I might have to "use my words" and scream: LEAVE ME ALONE SO I CAN ENJOY THE SPLENDOR THAT IS THE SUMMER AS A CUP CHAMPION, UH, PLEASE!

Kicksave: Joe Sakic. I've just finished having sex with my wife on the Stanley Cup. All my dreams have come true. I am captain of the Cup champs and was awarded as the best player in the playoffs on a team that has been relocated far as we can tell, a ski resort that once had a team that was coached by Don Cherry of all people! Now the New York motherfuckin Rangers come along and all of a sudden I'm looking at not only a huge salary but a lot more in endorsements once I hit the Apple. Honey, load up the Pacer!

Boomstick!: and how is this not exceedingly greedy?

Kicksave: Oh and don't forget, Avs. I've made you a lot of money. I'll um...stick around if you were to say, match the offer. I don't think greed is necessarily THE factor in that kind of decision. At that point Joe has no idea if things are going to get better than that.

Boomstick!: you have never addressed the fact that greed certainly plays a factor in this decision. NEVER. And that is enough, for me. I lose all respect for him when i realize he's as bad as Shaq and Ricky Martin.

Kicksave: Shaq's good. One of the greats. Ricky Martin...not so great. I 'd venture to say that he may actually suck.

Boomstick!: " of the greats" I think this disqualifies you on ever making any comments regarding the game of basketball or any game for that matter that involves a ball that is orange colored

Kicksave: Are you serious? What do you know for a guy who never watches basketball?

Boomstick!: Instead of taking that bait...i'll turn it back to the point you still haven't in 6 YEARS OF ARGUING THIS ever addressed. Sakic's greed. He was greedy, for whatever reasons you offer, greed played a part. And that tarnished him in my eyes.

Kicksave: Was it Sakic's greed...or his agents? You forget that there are always middlemen who want theirs...Sakic got way or another

Boomstick!: wow, soooo delusional. You don't even want to admit today that Joe-ina was ever driven by greed. Accepting an offer sheet from the pig-whores of the NHL is in fact an act of greed, especially considering he has just won the Cup. Every time i look at him, i remember that offer sheet. Greedy motherfucker.
Same goes for Adam Foote.

Kicksave: Mmmm...I'd take 7 mil. What did Chris Chelios sign for in Detroit by the way?

Boomstick!: Chris Chelios never quite made it to Detroit. Very tragic, that whole thing. The wreckage. the flames. The children screaming. Oh...the children screaming.

Kicksave: He...played....was on a Cup team...

Boomstick!: (notice how i have to invent lies so that i don't look at a childhood idol as the greedy dickhead he is instead of completely denying the truth)

Kicksave: Yeah it's sick. You are lucky that it is funny. I think if I'm Joe Sakic, there is no shame at that point in signing an offer sheet. Should I list salaries in other sports at that time?

Boomstick!: no, just list them in the sport he purported to play humbly and gratefully each and every day

Kicksave: *this is me rubbing my forehead* Has he signed offer sheets since then? Has he threatened to leave the Avs? Has he done anything other than lead that team, and along the way achieve nearly every accomplishment that a player could attain? The way you describe it is as if you feel he cheated you in some way. Show me on the doll where Joe Sakic touched you, Boomer.

Boomstick!: he did cheat me. I got to experience my own dream. My own National Hockey League team, a hometown team. Their meteoric climb to glory, the fulfillment of every idiom and practice that was drilled into me as a hockey player, to see our Captain lift the Cup first, and to think for a moment that all of the cynicism about professional athletes somehow didn't fit our boys. It doesn’t matter what he's done since. That's not what i'm lamenting, what i'm lamenting is that he had the opportunity to NOT BE A GREEDY SON-OF-A-BITCH in his entire career, and he failed.

Kicksave: you think that hockey players should go back to working in factories and mills, or tilling the earth as the Carter Family provides the soundtrack to their humble lives only to return to the sepia toned, lithographic sheets of ice and mist in the fall to battle with the forces of evil?

Boomstick!: Nah, not anymore. Sakic changed my view of hockey players. They are greedy. They succumb to the same forces the other blowhardy athletes do in other sports. Sakic changed my entire outlook on the sport and it's professional representatives. He's greedy. They're all greedy. That's why i wasn't surprised when they sat out an entire season. Greedy jerks who think of only their closest and most selfish of interests.

Kicksave: The owners locked them out.

Boomstick!: riiiiiiight, the owners who were complaining about salaries and ticket prices. Yet, salaries and ticket prices have done - wait a second, is there something wrong with my calculator? - nothing but go up

Kicksave: Players like Sakic went, sure for 7+ million dollars...he was worth it in my opinion. The Rangers threw down an offer sheet because they felt in order for them to compete that they would need to have the best talent. Of course this philosophy led to Bobby Holik pulling down more than 8 mil a year, but the point is that the water level in the pool went up and Sakic took advantage.

Boomstick!: Yes, Sakic was greedy.

Kicksave: I'm not saying the man was poor.

Boomstick!: Repeat after me, Kicksave: Sakic was greedy. it's okay, you can feel again. Just admit this, and all the scary monsters will go away.

Kicksave: Sakic simply responded to the market. Say you are a great manager at you job. Everyone loves you and the office is highly productive and successful.Then one day another company comes along and offers more money.

Boomstick!: Stunning. Had the ability to admit that Joe-ina was greedy, and even today - EVEN 6 YEARS LATER, FOLKS! - Kicksave cannot admit that his brave and venerably overachieving captain was greedy

Kicksave: I think if I'm in that position, and I'm 27-28 years old, I'm at the top of my game and the City of New York walks up to me with a huge contract, I turn "greedy" really quick.

Boomstick!: what? Is that an admission? I can't believe it! Folks, you are witnessing a monumental achievement. Not even Arnold Schwarzenegger at a NOW rally would surprise me more than this. Kicksave actually admits that Joe Sakic was greedy. I'm stunned. I have to sorta absorb this...

Kicksave: Since 1997 Joe Sakic has gone on become a great member of the Denver community, he's won Olympic gold along with an Olympic MVP, he's on the Cup next to Ray Bourque, Patrick Roy, Rob Blake and other legends. At a $1.5 million raise, which was pathetic for other sports at the time, Colorado got Super Joe at a bargain.

Boomstick!: But what we really should be asking ourselves is...does our audience give a shit? They just wanna know if offer sheets are good or bad. Offer sheets, good...greedy players, bad. Actually, i can't tell which way i feel about offer sheets. I just know i'm more obsessed about greedy hockey players than i am about the calcified deposit on my inner thigh

Kicksave: You disgust me. Truly. I'm disgusted. I think players are players. People are people. In Sakics case, for all we know he was a resentful Canadian that could really give a shit about Colorado hockey. So what if he just won the Cup? New York was calling. Stop trying to hold these guys to such high standards.

Boomstick!: Oh i've stopped. This is why i'm not shocked if i found out they dope. They are, after all like you say, people. And hell, people are suspect to greed and cheating and all of the gloriously awful traits of our grand immoral quilt.

Kicksave: Yeah it's terrible. These...horrible hockey people and their scarves!

Boomstick!: Like i said, i grew up with an image of these guys. Damn them for being idols, but it's true. I held them to such high standards. And it took the actions of my hometown, Cup-winning, MVP captain to crush that view. If you want, i'm almost done building my time machine, you and i can go back and beat the shit out of the younger me for thinking these guys were actually super human.

I'll hold me, while you punch me in the stomach.

Kicksave: I'll punch you in the stomach in past, present and future McFly.

Hey look, we finally filled an article with hockey!
Next week we’ll try to calm down enough to address yet another hockey related opinion-filled argument intended to suck the life out of your lunch hour. That’s right, gravy fry etiquette.

Boomstick!: I'm Boomstick! for Kicksave. See you seeing us later!

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