Wednesday, August 1, 2007

You want juice? We got the juice!

Boomstick!: Hey yo!

Kicksave: Good trip there world traveler? We did miss our deadline on Friday because of your uppity galavanting. Oops!

Boomstick!: EXCELLENT trip!

Kicksave: Any international incidents?

Boomstick!: A few. I rented a bike to tour and had a great time. I rode over 80KM in one day. Well, at the end of the day (and that's ONLY why it happened *wink*), i was scooting along, kinda lost…

Kicksave: I have no idea how far 80km is...

Boomstick!: It's like 50 miles

Kicksave: Ok. Continue Mr. Armstrong.

Boomstick!: I’m scooting along, and I "graze" this guy who's on the sidewalk, as I round the corner. Well, I'm stammering in my 4 words of Hungarian, trying to apologize.

Kicksave: Wait. You stopped?

Boomstick!: You bet. I thought I should apologize.

Kicksave: Uh oh.

Boomstick!: So I've massacred his language: "boch", "Butch", "Bitch". I then decide he's pissed, and I feel like I should take off.

Kicksave: Is that when he took you down? Please tell me he took you down.

Boomstick!: Almost. So I start SPRINTING ON A BIKE and the fucking Hungarian takes off after me! I swear to god I had no idea former Commies were that fast. The fucker kept pace with me for TWO SOLID BLOCKS!

Kicksave: He may have been on performance enhancing drugs.

Boomstick!: So he's grabbing at me, pulling at my t-shirt, and I'm just laughing at him, "You fucking Hungarians are fast!!!"

Kicksave: Excellent.

Boomstick!: I finally lose him, I'm feeling like a champ. Go further and I’m still sprinting. I see a chick bicyclist up ahead, who I want to zoom by. I do a "maneuver", sweep around her, then catch my foot on the ground as I landed from the air off of my "maneuver". Bit the dust HARD .

Kicksave: I hope you clicked yer heels in the air there, Bambi. It’s hard to play grab ass at top speed on a bike. Did you get hurt?

Boomstick!: Just some road rashes. a few bruises. Nothing big.

Kicksave: Cool. Good weather? What did you eat there, cabbage?

Boomstick!: Lots of salami, goulash, and every derivative of crème.

Kicksave: Was it pony salami like in Finland?

Boomstick: I do hope they only eat that stuff. OH! I bought me a Soviet Army watch from an old Communist-era flea market.

Kicksave: Cool. Did they strip search you at customs because of it?

Boomstick!: Nossir.

Kicksave: How unfortunate

Boomstick!: I told them I won it in a game of Russian Roulette with some mobsters in a bar that only served Fosters. Go get'em boys!

Kicksave: That usually works. Okay are we talking hockey or what?

Boomstick!: What you got?

Kicksave: Okay since there is no really great hockey news…since it is July… I'm not sure if you have been aware, but apparently the last week has been the worst in the history of American sports.

-You got Mike Vick probably going down for dog fighting.
-You have an NBA ref who fixed games

Boomstick!: So the week was worse than when the Buffalo Bills were created?

Kicksave: Much worse. Listen. Additionally you have Bonds getting within a homer of Aaron, and pretty much everyone hates Barry. Crazy week! But the “good” thing is that hockey has pretty much slipped under the radar despite Balsille accusing Bettman of messing with the deal to buy the Preds, and Rick Tocchet being a moron. I know, shocker.

Boomstick: About Bettman?

Kicksave: No, about nobody paying attention to hockey. Pah dum dum…

Boomstick: Let’s take a moment of silence for that joke.


I happen to be one of the 6 people in this country who admit to still rooting for ole Barry.

Kicksave: Yeah you are a Bonds fan...and I try and ignore that. What I’m getting at is the completely obvious question: “Could hockey be corrupted by steroids and shady refs?”

Boomstick!: Definitely.

Kicksave: Bettman does a good job of screwing up the game on his own… From what I understand, if you take steroids they can make bones brittle. That can’t help when you are running into walls at 30 mph.

Boomstick!: You also forget that I do not particularly care if athletes are taking performance enhancing drugs

Kicksave: Exactly why is that?

Boomstick!: Because I think there is a fine line between what is "performance enhancing" and what isn't. Personally, if someone wants to take something that allows them to skate at 110 mph, I don't see why we don't let them be jackasses and destroy their innards for that kind of glory. Manny Ramirez talks about having sex right before a game. He says it clears his mind. How is that not performance enhancing?

Kicksave: I don’t really think that sex is performance enhancing. If anything it is a good workout that leads to cigarettes. What I'm talking about is steroids and ephedrine, etc. 'Roids are a different thing entirely.

Boomstick!: I don't think so.

Kicksave: What is this Debate Club?

Boomstick!: Tell me the difference between someone who doesn't lift weights and someone who does? Lifting weights is performance enhancing.

Kicksave: A guy who lifts weights can break a guy who doesn't lift weights in two like a Rob Blake ass check. Yet I don't think lifting weights or being in shape is necessarily performance enhancing in a drug-like sense.

Boomstick!: I think that when Babe Ruth was sucking down caffeine and smoking his stogies, he was definitely performance enhancing…I'm just saying, I don't look at it like the tumor or cancer like everyone else.

Kicksave: Okay so how do you justify records then? Do you make drugs legal? Or should we put a record that was accomplished under drugs in the different league as a record that wasn't? I'll say this, if Babe Ruth hit all those homers drunk, well sir I'm impressed.

Boomstick!: Many people believe that A-Rod, who most likely DOES NOT enhance, will surpass Bonds, and that'll make all this hullabaloo moot. Plus, I still think Bonds accomplishes it without his pills or cream, and no one can tell me otherwise in an intelligent way. It's an impossible thing to debate.

Kicksave: Okay how would you react if say, it came out one day that Gretzky juiced? I would be completely shocked and saddened.

Boomstick!: I would not be.

Kicksave: Because you wouldn't be surprised?

Boomstick!: No, I would be surprised. He was so little, so itsy, bitsy wanna-pet-him little.. But, I feel like I place a barrier between me and my favorite athletes. I don't want to scrutinize their lives or practices. They're human, of course they'll make mistakes. However, Michael Vick's is inexcusable. But that's because what he was doing was dangerous illegal, had nothing to do with the game, AND was hurting more people than just him.

Kicksave: Well apparently he was mostly hurting dogs… other people maybe…checking the ticker here…Nope! Actually ONLY dogs seem to have gotten hurt. Glad we got that cleared up.

Boomstick!: Puppies ARE people!!

Kicksave: Would you say that you've seen hockey games that you felt were fixed?

Boomstick!: Actively fixed? Or fixed subconsciously?

Kicksave: I can't say I've walked away from a game that I felt was fixed. (Except for every game where the Wings beat the Avs. Those were obviously fixed. Every one of em! Goddamn Red Wings!)

Boomstick!: Are you kidding me? Even when the Avs blew the Red Wings out, I knew they were fixed. The NHL lets them put the words "Hockeytown" in the middle of their ice, and that's not favoritism? I missed the contest to determine the official location of said "Hockeytown". Who's the mayor of Hockeytown? Marion Barry?

Kicksave: I think if there is a “Hockeytown” in the US it is somewhere around Bloomington, Minnesota. Seriously. Detroit is “Honkeytown”! AND, I don’t know nothin’ about no gall durned fixed Avs wins. They won all those with heart and good ole fashioned monkeyshines!

Boomstick!: I understand the desire to keep our league sacred and pure…

Kicksave: Yes, the precious. Must protect the precious.

Boomstick!: But, I wouldn't be surprised if there are PED's

Kicksave: Right.

Boomstick!: These are highly competitive people, whose livelihood is dependent on them achieving massive physical feats night after night. Who's to say that we haven't evolved to the point where PED's are somewhat necessary?

Kicksave: I don't think that we have evolved at all. Not until I’ve heard a reasonable explanation for Taco Bell's "Fourth Meal" will I stop believing humans are DE-volving!

Boomstick!: It's good to go!

Kicksave: I guess as a fan, I want a level playing field. I believe the Commish needs to make sure that the leeg is more strenuously drug tested than Lindsay Lohan during the holidays.

Boomstick!: But even then, I don't think it would be a level playing field. I'm not convinced that drugs trump talent. Like I said, I think Bonds still breaks the record. Sure, you crush a ball harder on 'roids. but the juice does not allow you to get your arms around fast enough to ding a 93 mile per hour slider over the left field wall.

Kicksave: I think he either juices now, or did for a while in the past. I doubt he juices at this point, and if he does he’s using something that isn’t illegal or can be tested. What really doesn't help is that he is either A) a prick, or B) misrepresented as a prick.

Boomstick!: You know I'm a sucker for pricks, and you are certainly a sucker for them when they play for your teams.

Kicksave: So many jokes I could make right now...and I dare not touch a-one of ‘em! I met Claude Lemieux once. He seemed like a pretty cool guy. I enjoyed every minute of his Avalanche career.

Boomstick!: Lord...left myself hanging in the outhouse there, didn't I?

Kicksave: Yes. Because you aren't smart.

Boomstick!: I'll save myself by saying Patrick Roy was not a media darling.

Kicksave: Hmmm...he’s more of a darling than Bonds. When everyone around Bonds is involved in PEDs and he's chasing the biggest record in sports, and he's seen as a prick...well you do the math.

Boomstick!: But perhaps that's what's so beautiful about what Bond's is doing…

Kicksave: What is beautiful about it?

Boomstick!: He's making it hard for you to care. I don't know anyone who's excited about it. Yet, when I saw that I might be out of the country for it, I was sad.

Kicksave: And that's good?

Boomstick!: Yeah, that's because people wanna see the record broken as human achievement. I want him to break it as a personal achievement.

Kicksave: on juice...

Boomstick!: Doesn't faze me..

Kicksave: or aided and abetted by juice at some point…

Boomstick!: Gretzky was aided and abetted by enforcers and refs who called anybody who got within an inch of his tucked-in jersey.

Kicksave: Okay. And there were the Jordan Rules. Nobody could touch him either. And then there was Joe Montana - cyborg. I don't think we are solving this one. I mean, what happens when Crosby starts pushing Wayne's records? We of course will be forced to wonder if The Kid was on anything.

Boomstick!: I sure as hell won't. Take me out of that sissy "we".

Kicksave: I say "we the people".

Boomstick!: I did not sign up for the "Need Something To Constantly Whine About" club.

Kicksave: That's true you aren’t on the list. And speaking of whining...Brian Burke anyone???

Boomstick!: “Please stop signing my mediocre players, I want to have an exclusive chokehold on them.”

Kicksave: The kid...was one of the best scorers...on a team that didn't score...oh the humanity! Of course what I like is that if Edmonton ultimately lands Dustin Penner, they will have sufficiently replaced Lupul. Good job Mr. if you can just find a way to get Ryan Smyth back...oops!

Boomstick!: aaaand Mike Comrie, who was reportedly found on a date the other night with Hillary Duff.

Kicksave: With that I will now go light a candle in front of my picture of Smitty in an Avs sweater…what is this Entertainment Tonight?! God can hockey start already!

Boomstick!: Apparently someone couldn't get Comrie Tara Reid's number.

Kicksave: I'm sure riding in Duffs car must be fun. Kind of like touring with Ace of Bass, I think. "Ummm can you take the wheel, Mikey? I have some texting I need to get out the way before we go shopping for feather boas."

Boomstick!: Yes, that's what we need, more feather boas in our discussions.

Kicksave: Okay I’m ignoring you at this point. That is yet another "thrilling installment" of Facewash. For Princess Boomstick! I'm Kicksave.

Boomstick!: What? We we're recording that?

Boomstick!: hell

Boomstick!: I would've put on my good pair of corduroys if I'd known that!

Kicksave: Hippie.

Boomstick!: Well, I'd just like to thank the folks for reading another Installment. (I hope your adult diaper wearing hasn't become too obvious in your whining Kicksave.)

Kicksave: Lame. Okay we're out! Check again next time as we ramble aimlessly about shaving, Imhotep, mid-80's Eastern bloc skating techniques, and the potential pitfalls of using duct tape to doctor up a Synergy stick.

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