Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Ode to Coach

Since it is still summer and the only thing we have to look forward to is the annual "opening up of the fantasy leegs" in the next couple of weeks, Boomer and I felt it was a good time to kick back and reminisce about what makes a good coach. And let me tell ya, it ain't just their penchant for always smelling like rink!


A Hockey Coach:

-Coach should wear plaid jackets and lock his ass in his office at the rink for all but 4 hours a day, the rest of the time he should be yelling. CONSTANTLY yelling.

-His wife should be a ball of stress, forever wearing a halo from handling the kids all by herself, and, of course, possess a wicked left hook.

-Coach should only be known as Coach, even by his kids-Coach should have a clipboard sticking out of his pants at all times, not just in order to keep track of the clipboard but also for back support.

-Coach should have at least 19 coffee cups strewn across his desk, all with varying levels of liquid.
-Coach should have to replace the strap for his whistle at least once during the season because he keeps ripping it from his neck.

-Coach's skates should be the ones he wore when he last played, even though they no longer can find the ore that makes up the precious metal in the blades.

-Coach should have a lopsided haircut, because he can't sit in the barber's chair long enough to get an even trim, OR he is too busy turning his head and looking out the window for the next prospect to walk by, OR eyeing up the kid sweeping up hair. Checking for quick and soft hands.

-Coach should NEVER have naturally colored hair. It should be either grey and falling out, or shoe polish black...and falling out.

-Coach should know the exact temperature the water in the bucket needs to be that corresponds to the color and shape of the bruise on the player's ankle.

-Coach should smoke at least a pack a day. He HAS TO because your stupid ass can't backcheck!

-Coach should know the names of all the bartenders near the rink, so that when they call to tell him "you know who just showed up" he can then locate the bar, go to the bar, down the player's whiskey, then haul him by the collar back to the rink where he will take shots at the kid.

-Coach shouldn't see his players more than 10 minutes before a game and his player's should know the sound he makes when he comes through the door (it is the sound of a leather shoe kicking galvanized metal in the key of B-minor).

-Coach needs to smell like English Leather or Canoe. At all times.

-When the team DOES (and they WILL GODDAMMIT!!!) win the championship, toasting champagne to Coach should feel awkward because you don't know whether or not he even likes the bubbly.

-Meeting Coach's wife should make you more nervous than introducing your girlfriend to your own parents.

-Coach will sometimes make the team sprint for a whole practice because he had issues with "the wife" the night before.

-Forgetting what language Coach speaks at some point during the season should not be unexpected, followed by Coach questioning whether or not you understand this language.

-Repeatedly, you son of a bitch!

-Coach should have heart medicine he never takes, or takes in handfuls to "catch up", and these are taken during penalty kills and the last two minutes of each period.

- -And finally Coach CAN scale the glass behind the bench in under 4 seconds, because NOTHING is stopping him from putting another dent in Scotty Bowman's steel plate!

1 comment:

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